Difficult Relationship Patterns and Abuse Are Not the Same Thing
All couples experience disagreement. People misunderstand each other, become defensive, say things poorly, or need time to calm down before continuing a conversation. A relationship can have unhealthy patterns that need attention without automatically being abusive.
But abuse is not simply a more intense version of an argument.
In difficult but nonabusive conflict, both people can generally express disagreement without fearing punishment or retaliation. Either person can say no, ask for space, maintain relationships outside the partnership, and make personal decisions. The couple may communicate poorly, but one person is not using fear or control to dominate the other.
Abuse involves behaviors used to harm, intimidate, or exert power and control over a partner. It may include physical or sexual violence, stalking, psychological aggression, threats, humiliation, financial control, monitoring, isolation, or restricting someone’s ability to make choices.
A single act of physical or sexual violence is serious. Other forms of abuse, including coercive control and psychological aggression, may appear as an ongoing pattern that gradually changes how someone lives.
A person may begin adjusting their behavior to avoid a partner’s reaction. They may stop seeing friends or family, change what they wear, hand over passwords, account for every purchase, or avoid certain subjects because they are afraid of what will happen. They may feel that they need permission to leave the house, seek healthcare, use money, or make decisions about their own life.
The presence of fear is an important distinction.
Someone in an unhealthy disagreement may worry that the conversation will be frustrating or unproductive. Someone experiencing abuse may worry that honesty will lead to threats, punishment, humiliation, violence, financial consequences, or retaliation later.
Abuse should not be treated as a mutual communication problem. Responsibility belongs to the person choosing the abusive behavior. Stress, trauma, substance use, anger, jealousy, or mental illness may be present, but none of them causes or excuses abuse.
Couples counseling may also be unsafe when abuse is occurring. Information shared during a session can later be used to threaten, punish, or control the person experiencing abuse. A counseling room may feel safe temporarily, but that safety does not necessarily continue once the couple leaves.
If you are uncertain whether what you are experiencing is unhealthy, controlling, or abusive, you do not have to make that determination alone. Consider speaking privately with a healthcare professional or domestic-violence advocate. An advocate can listen without judgment, help you think through your options, and assist with an individualized safety plan.
Leaving is not always the safest or most realistic immediate option. A person may be considering children, housing, finances, pets, transportation, immigration concerns, or the possibility that violence could escalate. Support should respect the individual’s circumstances and right to make their own decisions.
If your phone or internet use may be monitored, consider using a safer device when looking for information or contacting an advocate.
The North Dakota Domestic and Sexual Violence Coalition can connect people with advocacy centers throughout the state at nddsvc.org.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available by calling 800-799-SAFE (7233), texting START to 88788, or visiting thehotline.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Relationship stress can affect mental health whether or not abuse is present. Inspired Life Wellness Clinic provides individual adult mental-health care through telehealth across North Dakota. Mental-health treatment can support your emotional well-being, but it does not replace emergency assistance, safety planning, or specialized domestic-violence advocacy.
Christine Aman MBA, MSN, APRN, NPc
