Most families have one. Workplaces usually do, too. That person everyone calls when something needs to be organized, a problem needs solving, or somebody needs a favor.
They're dependable, they figure things out, and if something needs doing, there's a pretty good chance they'll take care of it.
Being that person can feel good. People trust you, appreciate your abilities, and know they can count on you. There's nothing wrong with enjoying that role.
The trouble starts when you begin to feel responsible for everything, including things that aren't actually your responsibility.
Maybe you're the one who always makes the arrangements for family gatherings. You keep track of birthdays, appointments, and everything else that needs attention. At work, you're the person who takes care of the details nobody else seems to notice.
Before long, people stop asking whether you're willing to handle something. They just assume you will.
And sometimes you make that assumption yourself.
You agree to things when you're already overwhelmed. You hesitate to ask anyone for help because you've always managed before. When somebody offers to take something off your plate, you might even turn them down.
Then, of course, you find yourself irritated because nobody ever helps you.
It's a frustrating contradiction, and it's more common than people might think.
For some, this pattern begins early in life. They may have grown up in circumstances where being responsible or particularly capable was expected of them. Others develop the habit gradually, taking on more because they're good at managing things.
Eventually, being the reliable person can become an important part of someone's identity. They may feel uncomfortable disappointing people or worry that saying no will change how others see them.
Sometimes being needed also provides a sense of purpose or control when other parts of life feel uncertain.
There's another question worth considering: how much responsibility have we taught other people to leave with us?
If you routinely take over when someone struggles, they may never have much opportunity to figure things out for themselves. And if you insist you don't need help, people may eventually believe you.
Changing that arrangement may require changing some of your own habits.
You can let someone else make the arrangements, even if they do things differently. You can decline a request without an elaborate explanation. You can ask for help before you're completely exhausted.
People accustomed to relying on you may not immediately appreciate those changes.
Being dependable is a valuable quality. It's worth keeping. But when did you last feel comfortable letting someone else handle things without supervising, correcting, or quietly taking over?
Sometimes the hardest part of putting down a responsibility is admitting that we don't actually have to carry it.
Christine Aman MBA, MSN, APRN, NPc
